On Being Fully Human

A Self-Portrait

My retreat hut is located right next to the area where people circumambulate the upper monastery.  In winter, as only a few people come each day to say prayers, it is a very noticeable sound when two encounter each other.  There is such a gleeful hello, in the midst of days of silence. I think we get such adjusted to the fact that humans, basically, really enjoy being around each other, that the sounds and sights of it is something we take for granted.  

I think if aliens were to observe human behavior, in the context of how we relate to each other, they would think we are most similar to dogs.  Dogs, despite some negative stereotypes, are one of the most loyal and social creatures I can think of. The only other animal which I can think of that barks and howls with such great joy when seeing a friend is the Human Species.

It is a strange characteristic when you think of it. Cats maybe meow at one another quietly, but never really seem all the gleeful.  Cows moo, and do seem pretty happy, but not quite jubilant.

Yet, no matter how much joy humans derive from relationships, there is still something lacking.  It is never a path to total happiness. Yet we are wired to believe that, through respect and good relationships with the right people there is a true happiness to be found.  Probably in our modern society, where human relationships are often discarded or neglected for the accomplishment of objectives, we need to pay more attention to these relationships than in most human societies.  While this may be of greater importance in modern societies, it more important that we find the true source of happiness. The only way to true happiness, is to reformat and cultivate the mind and heart: the theater of emotion and thought.

The town gathering for Prayers after a week long ritual in Lamayuru

I recall when I first arrived in Ladakh and, earlier, when I first began interacting with Himalayan people brought up in a more traditional environment.  It seemed to me that they just didn’t worry about anything at all. Whether they arrived on time to the flight or not didn’t matter. Whether the house they just built and put massive amounts of money and time into had a leaky roof, didn’t matter.  Whether they spent their life achieving great and glorious things, or just kind of were some monk, nun, mom, or dad somewhere out in some unknown place, didn’t matter. I couldn’t get my head around it, why did these sorts of things not drive them totally crazy?

Then, over time, I came to see that they had plenty of anxiety, it was just of a different nature.  Whether they remembered to serve to tea or not really mattered. Whether they showed due respect and were seen by everyone else showing due respect to elders and monastics mattered.  What people said in the village as gossip about them really mattered. They worried quite a lot, actually, but all of that worry was focused on their position in and perception by their society. Essentially, they were totally neurotically concerned about what others thought of them.

This is very much a cause of suffering, and it definitely can make for uncomfortable and weird situations.  To understand, one can listen to how long and detailed the locals are, during announcements following every major event, in making sure everyone who contributed is mentioned, with a number of exactly the amount that every person contributed.  It is painstaking and they seem very afraid they will forget someone or something. Similarly, if ones tries to discuss if people actually need lunch or dinner when they are not close friends, and tries to actually get a straight answer on if they have eaten or not or if they are hungry, the anxiety deeply involved in these things is also clear.

Yet, even so, among neurosis, this is a superior neurosis in many respects.  What really is important in our lives? Money? Material things? What we achieve? Or our parents, our partners, our children, and our friends?

On our death bed will we really regret deeply that we didn’t study when we were young to get into the best school, or will we regret deeply that we didn’t put more time into our friends and our relationships?

The Buddha taught on these things somewhat, but mostly he was focused on helping people see that these relationships, as precious as they may be, are precarious, by nature, and still not a source of permanent happiness. This is very true, yet, he was speaking to an audience who were neurotically and deeply attached to the ones closest to them. 

The situation has changed quite significantly.  Essentially, human suffering is still mostly based around relationships, irrespective of culture, I think.  Yet, in modern, and most especially Western, it seems we have decided to avoid the pain that is caused by human relationship through work and distraction.  I read an article in The Atlantic which noted that particularly rich, well educated, white men have started to increase the average of hours worked per week, and are increasing at the highest rate.  This is historically significant, the author, points out, as the rich historically don’t work very much.

This he feels is a sort of religion, a place where people turn for solace when emotional issues are difficult.  It is a hiding place from life.

What a convenient place for people trained to “follow your dream” and “find the work you love” to hide.  Modern people are trained from a young to think that meaning can be found in work. Yet, I do not feel this correlates with reality.

Farmers never looked for meaning in the farm; but despite the lack of looking they found a lot of meaning in their work.  Why was it meaningful? Because it fed those they loved.

Meaning was fundamentally found in relationships.  Work was something to eat and live comfortably. Isn’t that more sensible?

In that same article the author cites a study saying that satisfaction can be found more in spending free well then in work.  

The vast majority of workers are happier when they spend more hours with family, friends, and partners, according to research conducted by Ashley Whillans, an assistant professor at Harvard Business School. In one study, she concluded that the happiest young workers were those who said around the time of their college graduation that they preferred careers that gave them time away from the office to focus on their relationships and their hobbies.

A truck stuck at a pass. Everyone gathered together to help unload it and move it, after a group of a few
foreigners inspired them.

So, if this is finding meaning in work and success does not make us happy why are we doing it?

Human relationships are filled with pain and uncertainty.  Think of all the tears that have been cried in history due to lost love, or family problems, or friendships and work relationships which cause emotional pain.  All those tears could probably fill an ocean.

Computers, on the other hand respond quickly and without question to our commands.  People who are serve us at restaurants respond in a similar way. When one is successful and has many employees they always pretend to like that person.  A movie star is assailed by adoring fans who do not know that person.  

A group selfie after helping unload the truck

It is easy to reach for things that may provide a similar satisfaction to deep relationships and love quickly, if it's available.  The most obvious example is social media, a way to immediately spend time with friends at a clicks distance. Theoretically these things should provide the same sort of satisfaction; but one has depth and potential emotional pain, and the other lacks those things.

If something is not a potential for pain and emotional suffering, it also cannot bring much happiness. 

I have often wondered why, when people in relationships that have any potential for romantic satisfaction start to act so totally crazy so quickly. I think, it’s actually, especially in the initial stages of a relationship, people feel so deeply happy with the other person.  That kind of happiness is scary, because deep within that happiness is a potential for pain and rejection. Our human tendency is to turn away from pain, or even potential for pain. Although we say it is better to have love and lost, few people behave in such a way.

From a play in Phyang based on the life-story of AchiChokyi Drolma,
a famous female practitioner in Drikung Kagyu.

Although I am saying we are organizing our personal and work lives in a manner which is extremely dysfunctional, I am not saying that focusing on longer-term emotional life is per say the answer to all questions.  As far as making modern people more emotionally healthy, basically I think focusing more time and energy on relationships is a quite good solution. Yet, if the question is truly lasting happiness, this will not work either. 

Think of all the negatives humans engage in to preserve or gain status in their relationships with those around then.   Humans will kill all forms of life: both animals, and even, perhaps, people, to keep family and friends healthy, happy, and well.  Humans steal, tell lies, and cheat to make sure there is enough provided to their close-ones. Humans gossip and tell people what they want to hear in order to preserve relationships.  When things aren’t working humans search for affairs secretly, or perhaps turn to drugs or alcohol as a refuge. These are not modern problems, these are human problems. People have, and always will, engage in negative things such as these due to hope and fear connected with their deep human relationships.

This, the Buddha taught that leading a simple life with few strings was a necessity as a basis for spiritual practice.  It simply provided more time and fewer distractions. This is really true, irrespective of culture, in my mind.  

Yet, many people are suffering deeply from emotional pain that stems from using work and distraction as a way to isolate themselves from relationships and the potential pain that comes from them.   In this case, probably, a deeper involvement in human relationships would be beneficial. One friend of mine said that Situ Rinpoche once said during a discussion at her teacher, Akon Rinpoche’s, center that he felt modern people had not only lost their connection to their spiritual roots, but to their human roots.  Essentially, it seems Rinpoche felt that people needed to learn to be human before they could engage in intense spiritual practice.

This seems to me a very sensible conclusion.  We as humans are deeply social animals. That we have searched for and found refuge in work and distraction is deeply counter-productive.  Probably for most, first dealing with the damage done by a society which has pushed these things so hard is a necessity for further spiritual development.

The need for time, effort, clear understanding, and a very ethical life for spiritual development is always certain.  Independence and freedom can provide a good support for these things. Still, the way one gets there depends on themselves and their circumstances. 

Phyang

The key point is to transform the mind and the heart.  One is trying to take two things which they are very deeply caught in, hope and fear, and release their binding.  This takes effort, wisdom, and trust. 

Yet the Buddha taught, and those who have followed him attest, that such a transformation is possible.  When one looks at these skilled practitioners, I think the transformation is clear. Simply being in their presence brings a certain ease and happiness. 

Gone of hope and fear, thoughts of the past, present, or future, these practitioners are able to be aware, clear, and present even in the most challenging of circumstances.   They are like the sun in the winter, and cool rain in the dry summer; nourishing everyone around them. The self doesn’t seem to be a concern any more, and they seem to live solely for others.  In this way, they seem to get deep satisfaction from their relationships that is very hard to describe. 

Young nuns playing together in Lumbini one day after the peace prayers.